By The Numbers

Number of times I had to tell Josh to get dressed this morning: 4938

Number of bathrooms scrubbed from top to bottom: 3

Number of times Cole was sent to timeout for various infractions: 14 (not even kidding a little)

Number of smoke detectors Cole apparently tore out of the ceiling during a time out: 1

Number of Tess peeing accidents: 5

Number of Tess pooping accidents: 1

Number of times Cole asked to play with my phone (from which he is now banned): 39372

Number of times Cole picked up all of the UNO cards: 3

Number of times I picked up all of the UNO cards: 1

Number of times Cole will be playing UNO in the next week: 0

Number of items I caught Cole trying to throw down the stairs: 4

Number of items I heard him throw down the stairs: 2

Number of time I wanted to throw Cole down the stairs: 3

Number of times I silently prayed for help/patience: 38+ (probably not enough)

Number of Cherry Coke Zeros I drank in order to cope: 2

Number of times I cursed the freaking Polar Vortex for making it too cold to play outside: 392

Number of times Tess fell backwards off of the bathroom counter: 1

Number of times I felt like the world's worst mother: 1

Number of Blue and Gold banquets we have now attended: 3

Number of Blue and Gold banquets we have to still attend: 6

Number of tutu-ed toddlers who felt they needed to go up front and speak since their big brother got to: 1
("My turn!  MY TURN!")

Number of times I had to tell Josh to get changed and ready for bed: 283

Number of seconds it took for this kid to fall asleep: 46

Number of times I've wondered what I did with all my time before I had Cole and Tess: too many to count

Clothing Optional - Unless Cookies Are Involved

Tess has turned into a little nudist lately.  I have no idea why.  One minute she's dressed, the next she's as naked as the day she was born.  (Not true - the day she was born she was only naked for a few minutes.  Today she's been naked for hours.)

There comes a point where I just don't want to get her dressed.  Again.

Perhaps I should keep the house at a cooler temperature.  ANOTHER polar vortex is coming in, so it wouldn't be that hard.  (I doubt it would change this habit, though.)

Cole decided to get in on the action today as well.  This is how it started.

It ended with two very naked (and very pale) hoodlums rampaging through the house.

While this was happening my finger started bleeding again.  I cut it last night on a dessert cup that Cole dropped on the floor.  The missionaries were over for dinner (both the elders and the sisters - full house) and I decided to be fancy and use the darling little trifle bowls I rarely get to use.  When I saw that it had broken on the floor and that both Tess and Cole were poised and ready to jump off their chairs and onto the shards of glass all sense left me and I grabbed for the biggest pieces and sliced my pinky right up. The picture really doesn't do it justice.

It bled and bled and bled and I asked Lance to get a bandaid for me, and he took forever because apparently Tess insisted on having a bandaid, too, and I don't think Lance realized how much I was bleeding.  And then I got the bandaid on but bled through it so he had to get me another one because I didn't dare walk across the carpet because if I bled on it who would clean it up?  (Answer: me.)  Between the blood bath and me yelling at the kids to stay out of the kitchen because of the tiny shards of glass all over the floor - and heaven forbid they actually listen to their bleeding mother - I think we probably gave those missionaries some good stories to write home about.  Good heavens.

Back to today.  So I decided that a good way to get these children dressed would be to have them help me make cookies.  Only children who are dressed are allowed to make cookies.  It worked, and both little imps helped me make these Flourless & Quick PB Cookies.  I really wasn't expecting much, but holy cow!  They're delicious!  And super easy!  The only thing I would recommend is to make sure you really roll the dough into tight balls, otherwise they have a tendency to crumble apart.  (I have to keep reminding myself that just because they don't have flour or butter in them doesn't mean they're healthy.  They're basically just sugar and peanut butter, which is why they taste so good!)

Well, between the mixing and the baking Tess and Cole were naked again.  Until Josh and Spencer came home, and they were told that little kids who weren't dressed couldn't have cookies.  Spencer and Josh got theirs first because they were already dressed.  Tess and Cole soon followed suit.  (Ha!)

Happy to be dressed?  No, happy to be eating cookies.

Spencer went AWOL before I could get a picture and this was the best I could get of Josh.  Why do my older kids not like pictures taken of them?

The house is a disaster, it's time to make dinner, there's a pile of laundry on my bed that's been there since this morning, my bed's unmade because Tess and Cole like to get in it and destroy it so there's no reason to make it, I have to take Spencer to piano lessons and then have a couple hours of Relief Society visits, my hair is gigantic today and refuses to be tamed, the polar vortex really and truly is coming back, and a dang home improvement project I've been working on is taking WAY longer than expected.

But I have cookies and - as of right now - all my children are fully clothed.  Life is good.

Josh's Animal Project

The first graders in our school all have to do an animal project.  Josh chose the Cardinal as his animal.  I'll be the first to admit that he just wanted to do a boring poster, but with some coaxing he decided to do a diorama instead.  This is because 1) dioramas are way better than posters, and 2) I had a fake cardinal in my Christmas decorations that I wanted to use.

So we did the research and he wrote his report - drama and pain, let me tell you.  And then we worked on the diorama.  Josh actually did quite a bit of the work, and I think it turned out really well!

You might ask (and rightly so), "Maren, why in the world do you have a fake cardinal in your Christmas decorations?"  To which I would answer, "Because my dad has a twisted sense of humor."

I've always hated fake birds, with their smug faces and wee, beady eyes.  They're creepy.  My mom, on the other hand, loved them and would put them up around the house at Christmas time.  (We all have our faults.)  One year she put them on this big plant in the dining room and they were all facing me - on purpose! It was a creepy Christmas dinner that year, with "It Always Feels Like Somebody's Watching Me" running through my head. So a few years ago my dad thought it would be funny to send me one of the fake birds, for old time's sake.  Haha, Dad.  Super funny.

I was only too happy to put it to good use in this project.  Needless to say, I told Josh I wouldn't be upset at all if he lost the bird at school.

Okay, so we're Madsens and we go the extra mile - this isn't just a diorama.  It also makes sound!

On eBay we found one of those little microchip thingies (technical term) that are used in cards to record a short message.  We recorded the call of a cardinal, and viola!  Awesomeness ensued.

At the end of the project I couldn't help but think "Two first grade animal projects down - two to go."  This was both depressing and invigorating.

The Magic Piano

Today I made up a story with Tess and Cole about a magic piano.  Each day a different family member would press a certain key on the piano and then a new treat would magically appear.  Only that family member could press the key to make it work, and as many times as they pressed it that's how many treats appeared.  Tess and Cole chose who made what appear:

Tess: Balls
Cole: Ice Cream
Josh: Cookies
Spencer: Puppies (this is funny because Spencer's allergic)
Mommy: Balloons
Daddy: Computers

The story took quite a while to tell because we would discuss what we'd do with each treat and who we would share the treats with.

But my favorite part had to be a little later when I discovered Tess and Cole carefully pressing every single key on the piano and looking around, waiting for the treats to appear.

Kids are awesome.

I found myself at Sam's Club again today, much to Tess's ecstatic joy.  (Seriously, why couldn't she be obsessed with some place with better food, like Moe's or Noodles & Company?)

Highlights of the trip included eating lunch with Daddy, getting GIANT chocolate covered strawberries as a free sample, and Tess FREAKING OUT in the bathroom because she had to go potty but so far refuses to go anywhere else but home. (Anyone have any tips for that?  Because I'm baffled.)

But the biggest excitement was when I found 480 count snack sized Ziploc bags for only $1.71.  What a fantastic deal!  So I put one in my cart.  And then another.  And then I ended up with four boxes, because, man, what a deal.  And you can use those little bags for all sorts of things.

As we were checking out I paused for a moment and rethought my purchase.  Did I really need 1920 snack bags at one time?  Well, no, no one needs that many at once.  But over the next few years I am sure I will use them.

Then it dawned on me: I have turned into my mother.  (Again.)

Mom used to buy all sorts of stuff like this when it was a good deal.  Quite frankly, she bought a lot less useful things than Ziploc bags, on the off chance that she would need them later.  She wasn't a hoarder or anything - just more of a mild pack rat. (As my father can attest to!)

As I mulled this over, I had another thought: Mom wouldn't have bought just 4 boxes - she would have bought 10.

I left Sam's feeling quite pleased with myself, and deciding that there are much worse things than (mildly) taking after my mom in purchasing habits.

Seven Year Olds Are Super Cute

Out of the blue I found this.  

How I love this boy. 

(And not because he's apparently paying me off.)

Life With A Little Girl

I used to find action figures and underpants in random places.  Now I find things like this:

Perhaps the donkey just needed a little bling.

Valentine's Day 2014

For Valentine's Day I got my first bad cold of the season.  Lucky me.

It began on Thursday.  I felt gross.  But not gross enough for a mom to get out of doing all her momly duties.  What's up with that?  Moms should get sick days.  Federal nannies should be called in to take care of the house and kids until mom starts feeling better.  If I ever ran for president that would be on my platform.  I'd win the mom vote by a landslide.

Anyway.  Thursday.  Tess got invited to a little preschool/nursery Valentine's Day party at the church.  I was hopped up on decongestants and wasn't all there, which is why I didn't take any pictures.  I was also consumed with worry that Tess would have an accident because she refuses to go potty anywhere but home.  She didn't, though.  Hooray!  (But what are we gonna do at church tomorrow?)

On Friday I felt a little better.  Cole and Tess and I went to a playgroup cookie decorating party that was pretty fun until Cole and Tyrus decided to have a battle royal.  These two kids have a sordid and aggressive past; they just can't seem to leave each other alone!  So we left a little early, but that was okay because it gave us time to go to Sam's Club for lunch!  Tess was only 2 stickers shy on her chart, but I decided to make up the difference.  (Plus, there had been several times we hadn't put stickers on the chart, so really she could have gone much earlier.  I'm a bad mom.  Whatever.)  

Tess was SOOOOO happy to go to Sam's Club.  Seriously, Cloud 9.  She kept yelling "MY Sam's Club!  MY Sam's Club!" as we pulled into the parking lot.  (Although she actually pronounces it "Cree's Club".)  The fact that daddy met us there made her Valentine's Day complete.  She was in heaven.

That night we had our traditional romantic Valentine's Dinner courtesy of Papa Murphy's.  The kids dined on this heart-shaped pepperoni while Lance and I feasted on the Gourmet Garlic Chicken.  So good.

As per usual I had the table set with little gifts.  (Don't worry - Lance put a gift on there for me later.)  Everyone got books, chocolates, a Valentine, and a new cup with their name on it.  (Names courtesy of Deidra and her cool Silhouette cutter.  Thanks again, Deidra!)  Now everyone will have their own cup and there will be no more fighting or whining and there will be peace in the world.  Haha.

Okay, now you have to indulge me because I'm going to show you pictures of each place setting.  This is mainly because I would be most happy to find a place setting like this for myself, but I know none of my children appreciated it.  At all.  Those punks.

I gave Lance a goofy little book called "All My Friends Are Dead".  It's pretty funny, although I think Spencer loved it the most.  (Must be 10 year old boy humor.)

Fancy Nancy for Tess, of course.

The Flat Stanley series for Josh, who promptly told me he didn't like or want any of it.  It was Christmas all over again.  The punk just can't be pleased, so I don't even try - I just get him what I want.

Spencer got the Big Nate comic book series.  I knew he'd love them.

Cole got a cute book called "Parts"; he was indifferent to it and much more interested in the cup and the candy.  As a four year old should be.

Grandpa ElRay and Grandma Susie also sent some candy and clothing for the kids.  Tess was by far the most excited.  She LUUUURRRRVVEESS her new "sparkle skirt".  She wore it for a while last night after dinner and has worn it all day today.  I suspect we will have to fight her tomorrow about this.

The boys liked their clothes but were much more interested in "All My Friends Are Dead".  Sorry, Grandparents Roper.

Wait - Cole was pretty happy that his shirt was green.

After dinner it was time for our "stuff your face with cheap chocolates" tradition.  Cole dug right in.

(Notice the snow outside?  Yeah, we got another several inches during the day.  Curse you, never ending winter!)

Tess had a... different... approach.  Yes, she tried to peel her chocolate.

She also made some great faces.

Josh didn't want anything to do with it because he's a punk.

Here's Tess in her tutu.  Oh my goodness, cuteness.

And it's so great for twirling!

Everyone went to bed hopped up on candy.  This was good because the cherry pie dessert I made did NOT work out well.  My excuse is my kitchen "helper", Tess, who probably distracted me at some inopportune moment.  I was supposed to put in THREE cups of flour.  I put in ONE.  You can imagine the goopiness.  I didn't think anything of it because the recipe mentioned how sticky the batter would be.  Dang.

I tasted it, just to see if we could use it for something else.  No.  Kinda greasy and tastes eggy.  (I hate eggy tasting desserts - custards, flan, meringues... blech.)

Lest you think Lance was forgotten this year, think again.  I finally finished his VMWorld t-shirt quilt!  Woo-hoo! (Only took me 5 months.  Sheesh.)  It is huge and soft and warm and will keep my IT Man toasty in his man cave this winter.

Here are my 2 favorite shirts.  Because zombies and bacon are cool.

As are dancing sumos.

Lance gave me a foot-themed gift, which sounds a lot weirder than it is.  It included a pedicure gift certificate and lots of stuff to keep my tootsies soft.  Which is probably a (well-deserved) hint.  My feet have had a rough winter.

Rough Math

Head cold + whackadoodle hormones + new medication dosing + potty training Tess + never-ending winter + stuff = drained Maren. 

(And an obvious lack of blogging.) ((Once things level out I'll get back to it.  Promise.)

Generations

My dad sent me this picture of my mom the other day, taken when she was around 18 months old.

Here's some of me around the same age:

And here's some of Tess:

Genetics are fun.

Sunday Polka Dots

I have a thing for polka dots right now.  They're so cute!  Not on purpose, Tess and I have matching opposite polka dot outfits for church:

I'm in white with black dots and Tess is in black with white dots.  We're pretty cute.  (Not sure what's goin' on with my bangs there.  Dang.)

Tess is cute and she knows it. I'm dying over that dress and the red sparkle shoes.  Every little girl needs a pair of red sparkle shoes at one point or another.

And that red ruffle coat?!  Oh my goodness, I'm dying. I'm going to be so sad when she outgrows it this year.  I bought it last year a size too large with the hope she could get two seasons out of it.  I remember rationalizing with myself because it wasn't on sale but I knew Tess had to have it.  Darlingness abounds.

It's gonna be a sad, sad day when she gets old enough to have opinions about what she wears.  I'm pretty sure my mom felt the same way when I was growing up.  Quite frankly, I can't believe they were willing to be seen with me in public during middle school. 

Yikes.