Staying Alive: Guest Bloggers ElRay and Susie

Maren and Lance have been cruising for 3 days and we are still alive (so are Spencer, Josh, and Cole). We have had great times and not so great times but we have survived with a minimum of tears and tantrums.

We have taken lots of photos but because we forgot the cable to download them we only have two photos taken with a cell phone.

Sunday was a learning experience. We have not tried to keep a 1 year old entertained at church for 3 hours in years. Because Cole wanders the halls at church with Lance each Sunday he has a hard time staying put during a class. Therefore Grandpa and Cole wandered the halls on Sunday. Cole finally wore out around 11:30 and took a short nap.

Monday evening was Family Home Evening at Chucky Cheese's. A good time. Spencer and Josh couldn't be bothered to eat. They were too busy playing games. Cole ate a piece of pizza and the guzzled about half of Grandma Susie's Lemonade a few drops at a time. Of course he had to hold the cup himself so he was wearing a good deal of the drink by the time we left.

Tonight was "Super Hero" night at Chick-Fil-a. Spencer and Josh were pretty excited to wear their capes (at least Spencer was, Josh couldn't be bothered to actually put his on). The difference tonight from last night was that Spencer and Josh both ate some of their food. There was a balloon artist and face painting and ice cream sundaes. Spider Man and Cow Bunga and the Chick-Fil-a cow were also present.

The highlight of the evening was eating the ice cream. Josh tipped his bowl upside down on his chair and while Grandpa was cleaning that up Cole grabbed Grandma Susie's sundae and tipped it over so all the chocolate syrup spilled on the table. Then he did finger painting on the table top with the syrup. Nice and sticky.

Cole also demonstrated that he knows how to drink from a straw. He drank most of Spencer's soda this evening.

On the bright side we planted Maren's garden on Monday and it was well watered with about an inch of rain last night. We've only broken one piece of furniture and no bones.

We hope Maren and Lance are having as much fun as we are.

My Bags Are Packed

I've packed my bags.

I've printed the boarding passes.

My passport is ready.

Grandpa and Grandma are here and are now well-versed in the ways of the Madsen boys.  Very capable, very wonderful.  (Will they still speak to us after this?)

By this time tomorrow night I'll be halfway to the Bahamas.  (Don't feel too bad for me.)

I'm outtee.

Quotes of the Week

Josh: You're a kick in the head!

Spencer: Big marshmallows, Twizzlers, and Yoohoo.  Yep, we're ready for the campout!

Cole: Raaawwwwrrrr! *CHOMP* (As he bites my shoulder.  Hard.)

Me (in response): Aguuguuughhh! Q$%&$#$!!!  Mother of Pearl, don't bite!!!

Me: Stop spoon-feeding the baby that sand!

Me: We don't bite our brothers on the butt!

Me: For the love of all that is holy and good, stop throwing rats at each other!!!

Lance: ...

Hmm... I haven't seen much of Lance lately, so I don't know what he's said.  I'm sure something terribly clever or witty.  Oh well.  Starting this Sunday we'll have plenty of time to catch up. 

*happy dance*

Bedroom Update

Since I'm sure you're all on pins and needles about what I decided to to with my bedroom after this post, here's a little update.

I decided to add some ribbon to the curtains to pull in the green and white from the bedspread.  I really like how it turned out.  (Just don't look to closely at my stitching.  Good heavens!  I can't sew a straight line to save my life.  It's like I sew drunk or something.)

I'm not a big fan of how the curtains look when pulled close; I like my curtains fuller, I guess.  

I went back to Target to get one more panel, but they were all out!  (And they don't sell them online!  The horror!)  Bummer.  So I guess if they have them the next time I'm at Target, then great.  If not, it's not the end of the world.  I guess.

I decided to go with the vinyl frames above the bed.  They came yesterday and I was able to put them up this morning.

What do you think?  I really like them, although I'm not sure about the layout.  And I kind of wish I had a few more frames in there; maybe some other smaller ones.  But they don't have any others.  Bummer again.  But not the end of the world. 

In case you're wondering, they were really pretty easy to put up.  Even with a certain three-year-old jumping on the bed and getting in the way I was still able to get them up relatively quickly and even straight.  And they are easy to move and stick just as well the second time as the first.  I highly recommend them to anyone looking for an alternative to the permanent vinyl that's so popular right now.

Also, I'm thinking of putting a picture in the middle of one or two of the frames.  I'm thinking something in black and white, or maybe even tinted to the same blue of the bedspread.  I just don't know what picture yet.  Maybe a family picture?  Or some scenery?  I'll know it when I see it.

Are you curious about the other side of the room?  Here you go.

Like my new tree?  I inherited it from a friend of mine who just moved.  I luurrve it.  Do you like the baby-proofing-towel wrapped around it?  I figure if he can't see the dirt he won't want to play in it.  Yet.  And that's my new backpack peeking around from the other side of the dresser.  I love my new backpack.  It's so pretty and nice and starting to get full of stuff for the cruise.  Yay!  Oh, and that's my mirror.  I love that mirror.  I bought it for 1/3 of the asking price at a going-out-of-business sale a few years back.  The fact that I really do like the mirror and that I got such a good deal for it makes me love it all the more.

Oh, and that white blob on the far left?  Yeah.  That's the chair.  I don't love that chair.  I can't say that I hate it, but I certainly don't like it.  We bought it at DI for $20 when we were engaged.  I've been trying, unsuccessfully, to get rid of it ever since.  Why?

Do I really need to say more? 

Like a Hefty Bag Filled With Vegetable Soup

When Lance was in graduate school I made some extra money by editing papers for college students.  (I worked for the website EditMyEnglish.com, in case you're interested.)  It was a great job because I could do it at home any time I felt like it and the pay was pretty good.  Plus, I got to read some interesting papers.  Of course, I also had to read a lot of reaaaaaallly boooorrrrinnngg and/or badly written papers, but I try to block those from my memory.

Every once in a while I'd come across an especially atrocious paper (generally written for a creative writing class); something that was so bad it was funny.  Those were my favorites.

Today Susie forwarded an email to me that reminded me of these papers.  Are these for real?  Or did someone make them up?  Does it really matter?  Because I literally laughed out loud while reading it.

My favorites are in red.

Enjoy.

"Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat drifted gently across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 p.m.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 
14. Long separated by cruel fat, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might just work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a lame duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mind or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up."

Scary

I had a scary experience today.

I was feeding Cole lunch and cleaning up the kitchen.  As I worked I popped a cherry tomato in my mouth.  I swallowed wrong, and part of it got lodged in my throat.  I could breath - a tiny bit.  I just knew that if I tried to breath in hard at all the tomato would move and I wouldn't be able to breath at all.  I coughed a bit, but that didn't work.

It was at this point that I decided to do the Heimlich maneuver on myself.  I have no idea where I learned this - probably on Dr. Phil or Oprah or something.  (Who says daytime TV is worthless?)  But I used the kitchen counter and after a few thrusts I started coughing violently.  The tomato and (not to be too graphic) the rest of my lunch then came out.  (Fortunately I was right by the kitchen sink!)  

I coughed for a few more minutes, cleaned myself up, and then had to take care of Cole, who was freaking out.  He may only be eleven months old, but he could tell something was really wrong and he reacted in the only way he knows how.

I've never been one to freak out during an emergency; in fact, I know that I stay calm and think clearly.  (I was in a car accident once after a Young Women's activity when I was around 17 years old, and I was the only one who held it together.)  But I'll admit that after this little incident I was more than a little shaken up.

It wasn't the thought of choking to death that scared me.  I'm not afraid of death.  Okay, maybe the pain associated with dying, but not the actual dying.  I have a pretty good idea of what's waiting for me, and I feel like I'm living my life well enough to not have to worry too much.  (Not that I'm perfect; far from it.  But I'm trying my best.)

No, what scared me the most was the thought of choking to death and leaving my kids all alone.  The thought of Cole being stuck in that chair for hours, crying, or of Josh and Spencer not knowing what happened and trying to wake me up... well that just makes my want to bawl.

The thought of leaving leaving my young family to have to deal with my death - that's what's scary.

But I'm not too worried at this point.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going anywhere anytime soon; I have far too much work to do.

Now please excuse me - I've got to get back to work before Oprah comes on.

Sunday Sweetness