By The Numbers

Number of times I had to tell Josh to get dressed this morning: 4938

Number of bathrooms scrubbed from top to bottom: 3

Number of times Cole was sent to timeout for various infractions: 14 (not even kidding a little)

Number of smoke detectors Cole apparently tore out of the ceiling during a time out: 1

Number of Tess peeing accidents: 5

Number of Tess pooping accidents: 1

Number of times Cole asked to play with my phone (from which he is now banned): 39372

Number of times Cole picked up all of the UNO cards: 3

Number of times I picked up all of the UNO cards: 1

Number of times Cole will be playing UNO in the next week: 0

Number of items I caught Cole trying to throw down the stairs: 4

Number of items I heard him throw down the stairs: 2

Number of time I wanted to throw Cole down the stairs: 3

Number of times I silently prayed for help/patience: 38+ (probably not enough)

Number of Cherry Coke Zeros I drank in order to cope: 2

Number of times I cursed the freaking Polar Vortex for making it too cold to play outside: 392

Number of times Tess fell backwards off of the bathroom counter: 1

Number of times I felt like the world's worst mother: 1

Number of Blue and Gold banquets we have now attended: 3

Number of Blue and Gold banquets we have to still attend: 6

Number of tutu-ed toddlers who felt they needed to go up front and speak since their big brother got to: 1
("My turn!  MY TURN!")

Number of times I had to tell Josh to get changed and ready for bed: 283

Number of seconds it took for this kid to fall asleep: 46

Number of times I've wondered what I did with all my time before I had Cole and Tess: too many to count

Clothing Optional - Unless Cookies Are Involved

Tess has turned into a little nudist lately.  I have no idea why.  One minute she's dressed, the next she's as naked as the day she was born.  (Not true - the day she was born she was only naked for a few minutes.  Today she's been naked for hours.)

There comes a point where I just don't want to get her dressed.  Again.

Perhaps I should keep the house at a cooler temperature.  ANOTHER polar vortex is coming in, so it wouldn't be that hard.  (I doubt it would change this habit, though.)

Cole decided to get in on the action today as well.  This is how it started.

It ended with two very naked (and very pale) hoodlums rampaging through the house.

While this was happening my finger started bleeding again.  I cut it last night on a dessert cup that Cole dropped on the floor.  The missionaries were over for dinner (both the elders and the sisters - full house) and I decided to be fancy and use the darling little trifle bowls I rarely get to use.  When I saw that it had broken on the floor and that both Tess and Cole were poised and ready to jump off their chairs and onto the shards of glass all sense left me and I grabbed for the biggest pieces and sliced my pinky right up. The picture really doesn't do it justice.

It bled and bled and bled and I asked Lance to get a bandaid for me, and he took forever because apparently Tess insisted on having a bandaid, too, and I don't think Lance realized how much I was bleeding.  And then I got the bandaid on but bled through it so he had to get me another one because I didn't dare walk across the carpet because if I bled on it who would clean it up?  (Answer: me.)  Between the blood bath and me yelling at the kids to stay out of the kitchen because of the tiny shards of glass all over the floor - and heaven forbid they actually listen to their bleeding mother - I think we probably gave those missionaries some good stories to write home about.  Good heavens.

Back to today.  So I decided that a good way to get these children dressed would be to have them help me make cookies.  Only children who are dressed are allowed to make cookies.  It worked, and both little imps helped me make these Flourless & Quick PB Cookies.  I really wasn't expecting much, but holy cow!  They're delicious!  And super easy!  The only thing I would recommend is to make sure you really roll the dough into tight balls, otherwise they have a tendency to crumble apart.  (I have to keep reminding myself that just because they don't have flour or butter in them doesn't mean they're healthy.  They're basically just sugar and peanut butter, which is why they taste so good!)

Well, between the mixing and the baking Tess and Cole were naked again.  Until Josh and Spencer came home, and they were told that little kids who weren't dressed couldn't have cookies.  Spencer and Josh got theirs first because they were already dressed.  Tess and Cole soon followed suit.  (Ha!)

Happy to be dressed?  No, happy to be eating cookies.

Spencer went AWOL before I could get a picture and this was the best I could get of Josh.  Why do my older kids not like pictures taken of them?

The house is a disaster, it's time to make dinner, there's a pile of laundry on my bed that's been there since this morning, my bed's unmade because Tess and Cole like to get in it and destroy it so there's no reason to make it, I have to take Spencer to piano lessons and then have a couple hours of Relief Society visits, my hair is gigantic today and refuses to be tamed, the polar vortex really and truly is coming back, and a dang home improvement project I've been working on is taking WAY longer than expected.

But I have cookies and - as of right now - all my children are fully clothed.  Life is good.

Josh's Animal Project

The first graders in our school all have to do an animal project.  Josh chose the Cardinal as his animal.  I'll be the first to admit that he just wanted to do a boring poster, but with some coaxing he decided to do a diorama instead.  This is because 1) dioramas are way better than posters, and 2) I had a fake cardinal in my Christmas decorations that I wanted to use.

So we did the research and he wrote his report - drama and pain, let me tell you.  And then we worked on the diorama.  Josh actually did quite a bit of the work, and I think it turned out really well!

You might ask (and rightly so), "Maren, why in the world do you have a fake cardinal in your Christmas decorations?"  To which I would answer, "Because my dad has a twisted sense of humor."

I've always hated fake birds, with their smug faces and wee, beady eyes.  They're creepy.  My mom, on the other hand, loved them and would put them up around the house at Christmas time.  (We all have our faults.)  One year she put them on this big plant in the dining room and they were all facing me - on purpose! It was a creepy Christmas dinner that year, with "It Always Feels Like Somebody's Watching Me" running through my head. So a few years ago my dad thought it would be funny to send me one of the fake birds, for old time's sake.  Haha, Dad.  Super funny.

I was only too happy to put it to good use in this project.  Needless to say, I told Josh I wouldn't be upset at all if he lost the bird at school.

Okay, so we're Madsens and we go the extra mile - this isn't just a diorama.  It also makes sound!

On eBay we found one of those little microchip thingies (technical term) that are used in cards to record a short message.  We recorded the call of a cardinal, and viola!  Awesomeness ensued.

At the end of the project I couldn't help but think "Two first grade animal projects down - two to go."  This was both depressing and invigorating.

The Magic Piano

Today I made up a story with Tess and Cole about a magic piano.  Each day a different family member would press a certain key on the piano and then a new treat would magically appear.  Only that family member could press the key to make it work, and as many times as they pressed it that's how many treats appeared.  Tess and Cole chose who made what appear:

Tess: Balls
Cole: Ice Cream
Josh: Cookies
Spencer: Puppies (this is funny because Spencer's allergic)
Mommy: Balloons
Daddy: Computers

The story took quite a while to tell because we would discuss what we'd do with each treat and who we would share the treats with.

But my favorite part had to be a little later when I discovered Tess and Cole carefully pressing every single key on the piano and looking around, waiting for the treats to appear.

Kids are awesome.

I found myself at Sam's Club again today, much to Tess's ecstatic joy.  (Seriously, why couldn't she be obsessed with some place with better food, like Moe's or Noodles & Company?)

Highlights of the trip included eating lunch with Daddy, getting GIANT chocolate covered strawberries as a free sample, and Tess FREAKING OUT in the bathroom because she had to go potty but so far refuses to go anywhere else but home. (Anyone have any tips for that?  Because I'm baffled.)

But the biggest excitement was when I found 480 count snack sized Ziploc bags for only $1.71.  What a fantastic deal!  So I put one in my cart.  And then another.  And then I ended up with four boxes, because, man, what a deal.  And you can use those little bags for all sorts of things.

As we were checking out I paused for a moment and rethought my purchase.  Did I really need 1920 snack bags at one time?  Well, no, no one needs that many at once.  But over the next few years I am sure I will use them.

Then it dawned on me: I have turned into my mother.  (Again.)

Mom used to buy all sorts of stuff like this when it was a good deal.  Quite frankly, she bought a lot less useful things than Ziploc bags, on the off chance that she would need them later.  She wasn't a hoarder or anything - just more of a mild pack rat. (As my father can attest to!)

As I mulled this over, I had another thought: Mom wouldn't have bought just 4 boxes - she would have bought 10.

I left Sam's feeling quite pleased with myself, and deciding that there are much worse things than (mildly) taking after my mom in purchasing habits.

Seven Year Olds Are Super Cute

Out of the blue I found this.  

How I love this boy. 

(And not because he's apparently paying me off.)

Life With A Little Girl

I used to find action figures and underpants in random places.  Now I find things like this:

Perhaps the donkey just needed a little bling.