Last Baby

Even before we were married Lance and I both knew that we were supposed to have four kids.  I'll admit, for a while there after Cole was born I was perfectly content to stick with just three, but soon after I knew that we would still have a fourth.

I've been having mixed feelings about Tess being my last baby.  Not about Tess herself, mind you - just that she's my last baby.  Ever.

On one hand, the thought of never having to be pregnant again is something of a relief.  Pregnancy is hard.  And this last one did a real number on my body.  By the end of my last pregnancy I could feel every one of my 33 years each time I moved or even breathed.  It was rough. Not that 33 is ancient, but there is a distinct biological reason younger women have an easier time of getting pregnant, that's all I'm sayin'.  And the morning sickness... oh, the morning sickness.  Never having to feel that again is all right with me.  (Some doctors say that the morning sickness gets better with each pregnancy.  Some doctors are stupid liars.)

And then there's that newborn phase.  Newborns are hard.  Especially when you have other children.  The baby mixes up day and night and wants to eat seemingly All. The. Time.  And they spit up everywhere and somehow poop their body weight every 3 hours.  Sometimes you get so tired you just want to roll up into a ball and cry. Sometimes you do.  And then one of your kids comes in and demands juice, so your pity party ends rather abruptly.

Also, I'm getting kind of excited about the prospect of having older kids.  Young kids are hard. Younger kids are definitely fun and entertaining, but there's lots of stuff you can do with older kids that you can't with young ones.  Movies, Cedar Point, eating out at a place that does not don golden arches...

On the other hand, sometimes I catch myself holding Tess and thinking things like "This is the last time I'll hold a three month old baby who is mine," or "This is the last time I'll have one of my babies smile at me for the first time."  It's enough to make a Momma roll into a ball and start to cry.

And even though pregnancy and having babies is hard, there are also some great things about it.  I love those few hours or minutes I have when I'm the only one in the world who knows that I'm pregnant. And then once Lance knows it's fun to have a secret between just the two of us.  I love feeling the baby move inside me.  Okay, maybe not the stretching and the bladder beating, but the little fluttering moves are nice.  And people are so nice to you when you're pregnant.  You can really get away with a lot of stuff if you know how to work it!  (Not that I ever did, I'm just saying you could.  Yeah...)

I also love that time right after you have a baby.  I'm not saying it was love at first sight with my kids.  (In fact, I remember looking at Josh, maybe touching him, and then literally passing out for a few hours I was so exhausted.)  But those few days you get in the hospital, just you and the baby and some nurses who wait on you hand and foot and who all claim that yours is obviously the most beautiful baby in the hospital, and someone else does all the cooking and cleaning... well, that's just nice.

And even though newborns are a lot of work, I love how they're so sleepy and limp and will just lay on you and be perfectly happy.  (Until it's time to eat, that is.)  I love the little milk comas they go into once they have a full belly and a clean diaper.  It's enough to make you want to have a dozen babies.

I've been thinking about all of this for several days.  While it still is a little sad to think that I'll never have another little newborn, I'm okay with it, too.  My childbearing years were a wonderful chapter in my life, but certainly not the longest or the most important.  Because it's not like not having anymore children means giving up on mothering.  Mothering, if done well and correctly, lasts the rest of your life and into eternity. 

If I do my job right, my kids will all grow up and become self-sufficient adults.  They'll move away, get married, and have kids of their own.  But I will still be their mother.  Not in the same way as now (thank goodness!).  But I will always be their mother.

And they will always be my babies.  Every last one of them.