Mom

Today is the ten year anniversary of my mother's death.  In some ways it's surreal that it's been that long; in other ways it feels like it's been so much longer.  Big life events like this often feel that way.

I still miss Mom sometimes.  How could I not?  Each time I've had a baby I've had a good cry, alone in my hospital room, because my mom wasn't there.  A sort of postnatal, hyper-hormone-driven, sleep deprived mini pity party, if you will.  It never lasts long because I have a lovely new baby there to make me happy and remind me of the Plan of Salvation and all the blessings that come with that. (Plus, each child - EACH CHILD - has demanded to be fed at about 5 minutes into my cry.  I take this as a sign that 1) my children, even at the earliest stages, wanted to let me know who was in charge, and 2) Heavenly Father knew that 5 minutes was about all I needed.)

Self-absorbed person that I am, I often wonder what my mom would think about the life I've made for myself.  She'd still love Lance, that's for sure. At some points I'm pretty sure she liked him more than me.

(True story: when Lance and I were newlyweds we went out the CA for Kevin's high school graduation.  No one likes graduations, but this one was especially long and hot and the band was playing horrendously because the band director had just been fired for embezzlement. (Nice.) At one point during the arduous afternoon on the football bleachers we were all complaining about how much we hated this.  Lance jokingly groaned "I wish I had never been born!"  This tickled Mom to pieces.)

(True story: Lance and my mom were also the only people in our family who really like Twizzlers and those nasty gummy orange slices.  Blergh.  This made my mom like him even more.)

I know my mom would be happy with my kids.  How could she not?  They're so great!  I suspect she would use my dad's frequent flier miles to be out here quite often to visit. And there would be lots of random care packages, because my mom was a rock star at that.  And while I'm sure she would love my boys to pieces, she would probably have a special place in her heart for Miss Tess. (And especially Miss Tess's wardrobe!)

(True story: when I was pregnant with Spencer my mom was sure he was going to be girl.  When I called to tell her that the ultrasound confirmed he was a boy she let out a little, barely concealed disappointed "Oh" and then quickly recovered with "I have to do some shopping."  And boy, did she ever do some shopping!)

Would she be happy with us staying in Indiana?  I'm sure she would rather we moved back out west, but I can't imagine her giving me any grief over it.  She might be disappointed in how few house plants I have.  She was the QUEEN of houseplants!  But, for better or worse, I've followed my father and have taken more of an interest in outdoor gardening and landscaping.

Would she be proud of the kind of mom I am?  In my church service?  In just the type of person I am?  I hope so.

Sometimes I wonder what type of person she would be today. What would she like/dislike?  She'd definitely be an iPad/iPhone user, much to our chagrin.  (We Madsens are Android people.)  She would have really liked the ending to the Harry Potter series. (True story: that was one of the abstract things that upset me when she died - she'd never know how Harry's story ended!  Grief makes a person weird.)  She would really like the Hunger Games series, but maybe not the movies.  She was into some reality tv before she died, but I like to think she would have moved on from that by now. I can't count the number of books I've read and movies and shows I've watched where I've thought "Mom would have really liked that."  (None of which, of course, come to mind.  Dang.)

I think she would still prefer Diet Coke to Coke Zero. (Unlike her daughter!)

She would adore Pinterest and would probably be one of those funny/embarrassing moms on Facebook. (Once I got her to start using them, that is.)

We would have talked.  A lot.  Because we talked a lot when she was alive, and that was before both of us had cell phones.  I don't know if she would have been a texter.  Probably.

Would she have voted for Mitt Romney?  Definitely.

Would she have been on more cruises?  For sure.

Would she have moved to Utah?  No way.  She loved California.

She would have LOVED online shopping.

I don't pine away for Mom; life without her has become normal.  And that's okay.  (In fact, that's good.)  But it's nice to have this time of year to think about her and remember all the great things she taught me and all the great memories I have of her.

(True story: when we were newlyweds Lance and I used to laugh every time she left a message on our machine because she would always say the same thing in this funny, sing-song voice: "Hi Maren!  It's your moooom!"  I miss that.)

p.s.  I had grand designs of uploading a bunch of pictures of my mom for this post.  But our dang server is broken and that's where all my pictures are.  I know they can be accessed somehow through Lance's computer, but I just know that getting them from there will involve 17+ complicated steps that I won't understand/remember and Lance won't understand why I don't understand/remember them.  (IT demi-god vs. IT minion.)  Come to think of it, maybe my Mom liked me just a little bit more than Lance... :)