Lost In Translation

Lance and I are convinced that our children speak a different language when they're born.  Spencer spoke Mandarin for quite a while, while Josh seemed to be Japanese.  Cole currently speaks some ancient Eastern-Slavic blended with Norwegian. We're not sure how that came about, but there you go. (It must be his blond hair.)

Oh sure, they eventually learn English.  But speaking that as a second language obviously leads to some parent/child translation problems.  For example...

Bedtime
What the parent says: It's time for bed!  Please put on your jammies and brush your teeth.

What Cole hears: It's time to run around like a crazy lunatic!  Race race race around the race track that is the living room and kitchen!

What Spencer & Josh hear: Whine and cry and fuss!  Act as if you have never heard of such atrocities as jammies and brushing teeth, even though we've been through this same routine practically every single day of your life.  Oh, and whine some more.  And fight.  It's not bedtime unless there's a fight.

Going Out
What the parent says: Time to go!  Let's all put on our coats.

What Cole hears: Time to head butt your brothers and wind them up!

What Josh hears: Time to put on my coat.  But don't bother even trying to zip it - that's what mom's are for.

What Spencer hears: Whine.  And cry.  And whine some more.  Don't bother putting your coat on until mom has just about lost all patience and sanity.  And then complain about how you can't zip your coat even though you're seven years old.

Mealtime Prayers
What the parent says: Please fold your arms and close your eyes for the prayer.

What Cole hears: (50% of the time) Please fold your arms and close your eyes for the prayer.  (The other 50% of the time) Sit in your high chair, stare at everyone, but stay quiet and look pretty dang cute.

What Josh hears: Pick up your plate, try tossing it around, and wonder why mom and dad freak out about that.  Act picked on when they take it away.  Eventually make a show at folding arms.

What Spencer hears: It's time to whine and cry and try to play with Cole.  Even though you know better, act extremely put out when mom and dad get after you.  Eventually fold your arms, but only after you've cried a few crocodile tears.

Computer Time
What the parent says: Okay, boys!  It's time to get off of the computer!  Please turn it off and come upstairs.

What Cole hears: Bang on the computer keyboard - hard - and then use the Jell-o Bones Maneuver when mom or dad tries to pick you up.

What Josh hears: Turn off the computer please!  It's time for a snack.  (Notice above that no snacks are ever mentioned.)

What Spencer hears: I'm pretty sure he hears that weird trumpety sound the Charlie Brown kids hear whenever an adult speaks to them.  At least until the parent has reached their patience limit and is about to lose it.  Then he hears "I'm making you get off of the computer because I'm mean and never ever ever want you to have any fun even though you've been on here for an hour.  Bwahahaha!  Why yes, I am related to the Wicked Witch of the West.  Why do you ask?"

Getting in the Car
What the parent says: Okay, time to sit down and put your seat belt on.

What Cole hears: Okay, time to wiggle while I strap you in.  Also, please whine and cry unless I give you your car computer toy RIGHT NOW.  There's no earthly reason why you should have to wait any length of time for that.

What Josh hears: Stand right in front of your booster seat.  But for heaven's sake, don't bother sitting down and buckling up until mom or dad has asked you at least four times.

What Spencer hears: Yes, you're the only child in the world who has to wear a seat belt.  It's terribly unfair, but we're terribly unfair parents who like to treat you terribly unfairly.  We just like to see you cry.  Now sit down, put your seat belt on, and then pout and scowl for the next 15 minutes.

I can't wait for the day when our whole family speaks the same language.  That'll eventually happen, right?