Cole

I had other things planned for my post today - something about how going to the park with my four kids is something akin to orchestrating the Normandy Invasion.  Seriously, an hour is about all I can handle.

But I just keep thinking about Cole.  That boy is driving me insane.  I love him, I really do.  But right now, very often, I don't like him very much.  Does this make me a terrible mother?  Maybe, but we already knew that about me.

Cole is so very, very belligerent right now.  If he doesn't get his way all hell breaks loose.  Seriously, tantrums, fighting, tears, screaming.  I will tell him, very firmly, not to do something.  And he'll look me right in the eye, smirk, and then do it.

Time out ensues, which consists of me dragging/carrying him, kicking and screaming, all the way to his room.  And when time out is over, 50% of the time we then have to clean up the mess he has made in his room because he decided to rampage in it.

I try not to have to say no to him all the time - pick your battles, right?  But it seems like he is ALWAYS doing something that I can't let him get away with.  Like hitting his brothers. And pushing his sister.  And climbing things in the kitchen.  And getting into stuff he KNOWS he is not supposed to get into and has been placed very much out of his reach (or so I thought).

And when we're in public?  No party manners for this one.  He is so rotten sometimes that I just want to die of embarrassment.  I just want to call out to all in attendance "I'm trying my best!  I promise, I discipline him! I am a present and involved parent!".  Because, seriously, he acts like a spoiled brat of a child who has never been told "no" in his life.  He yells at me.  He yells at strangers.  He tantrums and he screams and he just acts AWFUL.

And I do discipline him.  But the problem is that nothing works. Time out means nothing to him.  (But I still do it because very often I need the time out but can't risk leaving him alone with his siblings.)  Taking toys or privileges away doesn't phase him.  Sticker charts?  Couldn't care less.  Talking simply and frankly with him over his choices? In one ear and out the other.

The child just does not care.

He wants his way and he wants it now and heaven help the person that gets in his way.

And he wants my full and undivided attention ALL THE TIME.  I try to give him very specific attention several times a day, but it does no good.  It is never enough.  Which makes me not want to spend any time with him! Even if I play with him for a good hour, he still wants more and freaks out when I tell him I have to stop.

The thing is, he's not this awful ALL of the time.  About 25% of the time he is charming and loving and good.    He loves running errands with just Mommy.  He loves reading with me and helping me mow the lawn.  He loves watching Daniel Tiger with Mommy and throwing balls.  I think if I could give him my complete attention 100% of the time he would probably behave a lot better.  But I just simply can't.  Even if he were my only child that couldn't happen.  And in his little toddler world, this is just not acceptable.

I know Spencer and Josh went through phases like this, but this has gone on for so long and is so much more intense.  I'm just exhausted.  I just want to give up and hide.

And part of me feels like I've failed somehow.  I mean, I've been pondering and praying and really thinking about how I can best help him become a functional, nice child.  What can I do?  Have I done something seriously wrong that has made him this way?  But nothing seems to work.  And I'm just so tired of it all.

Now, don't get all worried.  The world is not coming to an end.  You won't see me on the 6 o'clock news any time soon for leaving him somewhere or for selling him to some very unsuspecting couple.  I just needed a place to vent and cool off.

It's just been a particularly hard day.

Cole-of-the-Future who is hopefully reading this, I want you to know that no matter what you do, no matter how awful you are, I will always love you and try to help you be happy.

Also - I hope you have a child just like yourself some day.  Especially the pooping in the pants on purpose part.  Karma, buddy.  Karma.