Weanie Baby

I mentioned last week that Tess had decided to wean herself.  I had this whole big post written in my head about it.  But now, in the course of taking care of four children, editing a 45 page paper about the economic interdependence between Taiwan and China (*yawn*), doing approximately 295 loads of laundry, and just living everyday life I have forgotten most of this brilliant, heart-wrenching post.

So I'll just tell it like it is.

Tess has always had issues with eating.  She's a lazy eater and knew from the beginning that it was way easier to eat from a bottle than from mom.  I'm kicking myself for ever having given her a bottle, but she was so tiny and not gaining weight and the doctor was freaking out and then she (Tess, not the doctor) got so sick... anyway. 

A few weeks ago Lance was out of town for an entire week.  This was stressful.  During that week I realized how much money we had been spending lately on unexpected expenses.  This was very stressful.  During that week none of my kids wanted to sleep through the night, so I was up all hours and very tired.  This was annoying.  And stressful.

And I think this stress, coupled with Tess's general eating laziness, made her decide she didn't want anything to do with nursing anymore.  Every time I sat down to feed her she would fuss and cry and cause general mayhem.  This was stressful and frustrating and probably didn't help matters.

I tried all sorts of things and even called the local nursing center, but no dice.  Tess would have none of it.  I was feeling very sad about all of it - so rejected!  Rationally I knew she wasn't rejecting me.  But since when are mommas always completely rational when it comes to their babies?  So I kept trying and trying, with no luck.

I'll admit that part of the reason I kept trying with her was because I didn't want other moms to think I was a bad mom for not nursing my baby.  I know, it's totally stupid and lame, but there it is.  (Who says peer pressure ends in high school?)  Plus, I didn't want to have to take Tess to her next appointment and confess to her doctor that she was no longer nursing.  I was pretty sure the La Leche League (a.k.a. the Nursing Nazis) would come and harass me about it.

I was on day four or five of this when I wondered at what point does the total frustration and sadness (for both Tess and myself) of this whole thing outweigh all of the benefits of nursing?  Then I decided that I was at that point.  If feeding times were always going to be apprehensive and frustrating, then it just wasn't worth it.  A day or two later Tess was down to one feeding a day, and as of today she's down to none.

And you know what?  We're both happier for it.

Do I wish I could have nursed her for the entire year?  Sure.  Do I like paying crazy amounts of money for formula? No way.  But was this the right decision for the both of us?  You bet.

Will I confess to Tess's doctor about this or lie through my teeth?  We'll see.