I'll Have A Green Christmas

Lance became a real suburban man today and put Christmas lights up on the house for the first time. (And with only one mistake in the plugging that was easily fixed with an extension cord over the roof.)

We used large, multi-colored LED Christmas lights. Oh-so environmentally friendly; they use a lot less electricity than regular lights. Plus, there's the whole cool factor.

But that's not the only way we're having a green Christmas. For example, I didn't decorate the lower third of the tree this year. Sure, that's because Josh would just destroy any ornaments within his reach. But that also means I didn't have to buy any extra ornaments this year to fill in the gaps we had last year. (Reduce)

We also decorated Spencer and Josh's tree using scrap paper and some old garland from my college days. And very large rigatoni. Because Christmas isn't Christmas without some pasta in the tree. (Reuse)

For our presents this year I'm using really cheap wrapping paper, which can be balled up much smaller than that nice thick stuff. Plus, Josh LURVES to eat paper lately. It's going to be a veritable breakfast buffet for the boy Christmas morning. (Recycle)

The Madsen family is so earth-friendly this holiday season that I am fully expecting the following scenario any day now.

*Knock on the front door

Spencer (running to the door): Mommy! I'll get it!

Me (at the other end of the house): No! Don't open the door! Wait for me - it could be a stranger!

Spencer ignores me and opens the door.

Spencer: Mommy! It's former vice-president, academy award winner, and Nobel prize recipient Al Gore. And he's in a Santa suit.

Al Gore: Hi big guy! Want to talk about how planting one tree could save the lives of three baby polar bears?

Spencer: Yes... but no. (Spencer walks away with disinterest.)

Me: Oh, hello, Al Gore!

Al Gore: Hi Maren! I just came to congratulate you on what a wonderful job your family is doing this Christmas in reducing your carbon footprint. You're on my "good for the earth" list this year!

Me (trying to surreptitiously hide a few stray Styrofoam packing peanuts on the floor): Oh, uh, thank you, Al Gore. We've been, uh, trying. Uh, why the suit...?

Al Gore: Since you're giving mother earth a 'green' present this year, I thought I'd return the favor on her behalf. (He hands me a soy candy cane.) I commend your LED lights, half-decorated tree, edible kiddo decorations, and Christmas morning baby paper feast.

Me: Oh, ahh... thanks. We also have a bunch of those swirly lightbulbs. Plus, I didn't wrap any of the birthday presents I gave to myself on the 4th because, really, what was the point?

Al Gore: If only Tipper thought that way, too. Well, have a very green Christmas and an emissions-free new year! (He starts to walk away.)

Me: Wait, Al Gore! What happens to the naughty - I mean, ecologically irresponsible people on your list?

Al Gore (with a twinkle in his eye and his belly shaking slightly, like a bowl full of jelly): Oh, let's just say they get a little visit from my 'elves'. (He points to two large thugs who are standing out on the sidewalk, brass knuckles sparkling in the light of our LED's.)

Me: (Slowly closing the door, afraid that any sudden movements will startle the twisted Sant-Al.) Riiiggghhhttt...